Building Chemistry on Your Next Date
Finally, the moment you’ve been waiting for has arrived. After completing the preparation for your date, it’s time to go out on the actual date itself! Now the real effort begins. Sometimes, most of us have an expectation when it comes to dating, love, and relationships. We wanted instant chemistry. But the fact is, we must build chemistry.
The idea of there being chemistry between two people is something that many of our clients think they cannot control. But actually, we all have a powerful role to play in whether chemistry exists or not. In other words, you have the power to create chemistry with your date if you understand the elements that go into chemistry and pay attention to making the most of those elements every time.
Our experience has taught us that there are eight important elements for building chemistry. They are:
1. Appropriate dressing and presentation
The first element of building chemistry is appropriate dressing and presentation. Many women and men know how to dress well for work, or for going out with their friends, but they are sometimes at a loss at what to wear on a date. So, what is appropriate dressing? If you’re going dancing then a shimmering dress might be a good choice, but if you’re going for a walk in the park then a casual skirt and top might be a good choice.
When choosing appropriate attire, you need to think in terms of what activities you’re going to do and what type of clothing sends your date the proper message about who you are and why they should be interested in you. You don’t need to spend huge amounts of money on fancy designer labels, but you do need to choose clothes that are clean, neat and suitable for your body type.
Appropriate dressing, then, not only adorns your body so that you look your best, but it also sets the tone for the date itself. It conveys all sorts of non-verbal information about you. If you are going for a date right after work, please make the effort to change into something more date-friendly. What do I mean by that? If you wear pantsuits to work, we suggest you change into a dress or a skirt for the date. That will immediately soften your look and make you look more feminine. For men, you can wear your shoes from pantofel to sneaker for a casual look.
2. Positive mindset
The second element of building chemistry is to create a positive mindset. It is so important to have an open mindset when you go on a date. Many singles make the mistake of pre-judging their date too early. They go for the date, see the guy, and based on their first impression of the guy, they decide that he’s not a suitable candidate. And since the guy is not Mr. Right material, they do not even bother to make an effort to be a good date. This can be a very costly mistake as Mr. Wrong just might be the one who will introduce you to Mr. Right.
Worse still, imagine one day, you meet Mr. Right, and Mr. Wrong happens to be his friend. It will be rather awkward if Mr. Right then hears from Mr. Wrong about how discourteous you were. Or Mr. Wrong might one day end up as your immediate supervisor or business associate!
Our rule for my client is that they will have to at least stay for 45 minutes for their first date. This will give you sufficient time to decide whether you would like to be in touch with your date again.
Therefore, always, always, always go on your dates with a positive mindset about the date as well as about the topics of conversation. The last thing someone wants to hear from their date are complaints, whining, negative comments, or anything else that’s not constructive or positive. For instance, let’s say your date takes you to a restaurant where you’ve had only mediocre food in the past. Should you bring this up in conversation over dinner? Absolutely not! Anything you might say about such a past experience will come across as negative at the very least, and probably as whining, complaining, or something even worse.
3. Responsiveness
Being responsive to your date is all about being engaged in the activity (whatever it might be) and showing them that you are interested in both them and what the two of you are doing together. Why is this important when building chemistry? Because when you are responsive to them, they will be responsive to you. In other words, if you just sit there without showing interest in the goings-on, they’re going to feel the same way about you.
4. Good conversation
Building chemistry is all about expressing yourself to your date, but also about listening to them and being involved in the conversation. There’s an art to good conversation that some women and men just seem to exude naturally, but even if you think you’re not a very good conversationalist, you can become one far more quickly (and easily) than you might think.
Good conversation is more about being engaged in the conversation itself rather than about whatever topic you’re discussing at that moment. For instance, let’s say your date shares with you that he grew up in Shanghai. With just that tidbit of information, you can engage in all sorts of good conversation, such as:
• I’ve never been there, what is it like there?
• I recently visited Shanghai for the first time, and I really loved doing…
•What is the best way to get around and see the most interesting sights?
Notice that these are open-ended questions. Open-ended questions allow the other person to say more than “yes” or “no”. You should avoid close-ended questions such as “Do you like Shanghai?” or “Do you have family in Shanghai?” When you ask these questions, your date can only answer “yes” or “no”, and the momentum of the conversation will be affected.
A good conversation flows like a game of table tennis. There is a rhythm to the conversation. Here is an example of a conversation where both parties take turns to speak and learn more about each other.
Jane: Where are you from?
Peter: I am from China.
Jane: Which part of China are you from?
Peter: My hometown is Shanghai.
Jane: Wow, Shanghai! I’ve never been to Shanghai, what is it like there?
Peter: Well, Shanghai is now not very much different from Singapore. It is a modern city with lots of skyscrapers. You really should visit the city one day.
Jane: I would love to. I have heard so much about it! How frequently do you go back to Shanghai to visit your family?
Peter: My family is actually here in Singapore. But I do go back once a year to visit my grandparents and to catch up with my friends. What about you? Do you enjoy traveling?
It might start out with some short rapid exchanges, and then change gear to some slower and longer strokes. And that is what makes the conversation flowing and engaging.
5. Effective body language
There are some basics to using body language effectively that can help you a great deal when it comes to building chemistry with your date:
- Keep your body in an open position. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest, crossing your legs, or turning your body away from them.
- Mirror their body language. If they lean slightly forward then you lean slightly forward, and if they smile and make eye contact, then you smile and make eye contact as well. People generally like people who are similar to them. When you move in synchronization with him, he would immediately feel more comfortable with you.
- Lean towards them when they’re talking. This lets them know you’re interested in what they’re saying.
- Don’t tap your fingers like a drum, bounce your foot up and down, or the like. These are annoying habits that convey nervousness or boredom.
- Stay in your own personal space. Don’t move in too close so that they become uncomfortable or stand too close such that they need to take a step back (even if it happens unconsciously). However, if the date is going well, you can also close in on the personal space subtly to let them know that you are feeling comfortable with them and would like to know him better. The key word here is “subtly”—you do not want them to perceive you as being easy.
6. Sincerity
There’s an old cliché that says you can’t fake sincerity, and in most cases it’s true. If you are not sincere in your interactions with your date, whether it’s your tone of voice, your reactions to his conversation, your body language, or the like, chances are your date is going to pick up on it immediately. He’s going to suddenly question how honest you really are and whether or not you truly are the kind of person he thought you were when he asked you out.
Being sincere is all about being genuinely interested in your date, and showing that interest in a clear, straightforward and honest manner. This means you use a combination of responsiveness, conversation, body language, and the like, in order to express to him your sincerity and true feelings. Never pretend to have knowledge about something you really know nothing or little about. If you can’t ask a sincere question or offer a sincere and knowledgeable comment about something, it’s far better to just keep quiet.
7. Appreciation
Everybody wants to feel appreciated, and your date is no exception. Some of the best building chemistry between you and your date will come about simply by you appreciating who they are, how they treat you, and the time you spend together.
What does it mean to be appreciative? It can take a variety of forms, such as: Saying “thank you”. Do so when they open the door for you, pull out the chair for you, or do anything else to be considerate.
Being specific about expressing your appreciation. Don’t just say you had a fun time on the date, but instead tell them one or two specific things you particularly enjoyed. For example, say “I really liked the extra time we spent having coffee”, or “It was especially fun learning how to bowl”, or “You did a nice job of choosing a restaurant that was so close to the concert hall”.
Smiling and nodding your head when listening to them. This lets them know you appreciate the conversation and are interested in what they have to say.
Conducting yourself with class and grace. This shows them you care enough about them, respect them enough, and appreciate them enough to behave in ways that they’ll find polite and enjoyable.
You won’t go wrong with good table manners, proper etiquette when meeting their friends or family, and respect for their opinions and actions.
8. A reason for them to call again
When building chemistry, an interesting phenomenon about men is that they often have a very nice time on dates, but they do not call the woman again for another date. When you ask them about this, more than half of all men will say it’s not because there’s something wrong about the woman or something they didn’t like about her.
In fact, it’s just the opposite. They might even say she would be perfect for some other man but just not for themselves. So, while women sit around wondering why men don’t call them back, there’s a very simple explanation:
- Men do not need a reason not to call; they simply choose not to call because it’s the easiest thing to do.
What does this mean for you as a woman? It’s simple, really. If men find it’s easiest not to call and for them this is the preferred way of operating, your job is to give them a reason to call again.
Don’t just expect a man to call you again; give him a reason to call you again. This is easy to say but very hard to do, right? In some cases, yes, but in most cases the answer is definitely no. Giving him a reason to call you back and ask you out on another date is far simpler and easier than you might think. The key is to be different enough and interesting enough that he’ll feel compelled to ask you out again just to learn more about you.
Some examples of what this might look like in real life include:
• Sharing information about a special skill or hobby you have that he found unique or interesting;
• Having tried a new dish or kind of food that he hadn’t had before;
The idea here is not to be strange, rude, too forward, un-ladylike or in any other way inappropriate. Rather, what you’re trying to do is be yourself while showing him you’re interesting and unique enough so that he would want to get to know you better.
Those are how to building chemistry for your next date!
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